Questions For A Humble Maiden & Saffron
by D-Tepes
Summary: 70 Questions For A Humble Maiden & 69 Questions For Saffron - Based on the 70 Questions meme, a "humble maiden" and Saffron take turns answering the questions.  Mal comes to regret it.  Written December of 2005.


Title: 70 Questions For A Humble Maiden / 69 Questions For Saffron  
>Author: Drake<br>Rating: Teeny Adults.  
>Disclaimer: I own nothing, if I did then I'd see about living a fic.<br>Feedback: Would be appreciated.  
>Notes: This was written in December 2005 as part of a Livejournal fanfic meme. I was recently contacted by a friend that I'd failed to post to . Sorry about that, hope you enjoy this piece of insanity.<p>

* * *

><p>"Mal I got somethin' I pulled offa the Cortex you ought to see."<p>

"Jayne, didn't we have a talk 'bout what you do on the Cortex? That trash ain't to be on my system."

"Weren't nothin' like that this time Mal. Not entirely. I was just seein' if I could arrange for some company when we set down next. Found a place there that had a list of the women who was available and something looked familiar. There weren't a picture, but the describin' of her body was right on."

"What are you on about?"

"Just take a look at this ruttin' 'psyche eval' thing like what I took."

"What's the Cortex site?"

" Search for the username Beatrice."

"I need to keep you off this thing," Mal said as he brought up the profile and glanced over the physical description before bring up the questions.

* * *

><p><strong>1. DO YOU SNORE?<strong>

I… I wouldn't know. It would be improper of me to sleep before someone.

**2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?**

Neither. I do not believe in violence and I have not yet been… took, by a man. Though I think I'd much prefer being a lover.

**3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?**

To be paired off with an ugly or vicious man. To never be taken from the maiden house.

**4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?**

I'm sorry, I'm from a simple world. I don't understand.

**5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?**

I fear this shows my poor upbringing, I'm sorry I do not understand.

**6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?**

When the hay was freshly cut and I attended to the horses I would chew upon a piece. I hope this does not displease.

**7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?**

The matrons at the maiden house have said that I was a lovely baby.

**8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?**

It would be quite awful to be alone. I long to be paired off.

**9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?**

My fear I do not understand.

**10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?**

At times I have, though I fear the other girls are far better than I.

**11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?**

I do not believe I have ever jumped a… bungee.

**12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?**

I fear I'm simply a humble maiden. My talents have all been honed to being the best wife possible should I be paired.

**13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?**

Anywhere away from my everyday world would be a vacation spot.

**14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY?**

I do not know a Jay Leno.

**15. CAN YOU SWIM?**

I was taught with the other girls, though it was rare that we could visit the lake to do so.

**16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?**

The maiden house did not have access to the Cortex, I know very little of movies.

**17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?**

Oh yes, we were taught to be very careful of our worlds. We mustn't allow what happened to Earth-That-Was to happen again.

**18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP?**

I… a maiden does not engage in such activities.

**19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?**

It was a part of our learnings.

**20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?**

My world is backwards sir, but we do have better modes of transportation.

**21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?**

I believe so, I was left upon the doorstep of the maiden house as a baby.

**22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?**

We do have styluses, pencils have not been in use since tree destruction was outlawed hundreds of years ago.

**23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?**

It is not a woman's place, the men provide for us as they see fit.

**24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?**

I do hope so, it is what a woman is meant for.

**25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?**

I was well praised by the other girls for my ability.

**26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?**

I am lucky enough to have no allergies.

**27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?**

I fear I have yet to be paired with a man to love.

**28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?**

The strange hefty man who passed through the town? He was alive when last I saw.

**29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?**

Oh yes, some of those poor girls with those hideous men. And that I never have found one for myself yet.

**30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?**

I make them however others would be pleased by.

**31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?**

I have no place to say on this.

**32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?**

I do not understand. Socks are kept together.

**33. WHAT TIME IS IT?**

Mid-afternoon, I have just finished cleaning from lunch.

**34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?**

I am afraid no one has taken that much interest in me to grant me one.

**35. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?**

I have had no problem with old farmer McDonald.

**36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?**

We do not have cars here and I have never had need to ride in a carriage.

**37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?**

We were taught that the best way we could please a husband is by bathing him. Showers were thought to be too quick.

**38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?**

I do not know what that is.

**39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?**

I dream to one day be paired and know the touch of another.

**40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?**

It can be a fearful place when you slumber alone.

**41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?**

Addictions are unbecoming of a maiden, it will guarantee you are never paired.

**42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?**

The one time I had any, I did enjoy creamy.

**43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?**

I have never tried.

**44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?**

I have never had the need, not that our town has one.

**45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?**

I have brushed after each meal, hygiene is important.

**46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?**

Oh yes, clarity of vision is important.

**47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?**

No, I have found that to sleep to deeply is to invite trouble in waking early to do chores.

**48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?**

They are a blue/grey color.

**50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?**

My life is as it is, I would much prefer to have a husband though.

**51. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?**

No, I have kept my body pure for when I marry.

**52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?**

Of course not, that is a dangerous thing to be.

**53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?**

My time on the Cortex is always limited, I have never heard of such a thing.

**54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?**

I have never had an opportunity to play any.

**55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?**

Never! I am a good girl, I could never do such an act.

**56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?**

There is no snow near me.

**57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?**

I have never been, but should I ever go I would hope to.

**58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?**

That is very unbecoming. No.

**59. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?**

I have never seen any, but I am told a good pairing is like magic.

**60. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?**

A man's best friend should be his wife.

**61. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?**

If a divorce is sought then the woman has failed, I hope to never know of it happening.

**62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?**

I walk upon the moon I live upon all the time. Why?

**63. DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?**

I am not as good as the other girls, but I do try to make up for mine.

**64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?**

It is still the warm season here.

**65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?**

Complex proteins, bread and a rare apple at lunch.

**66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?**

That is of the brazen, a maiden is purer than that.

**67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?**

I long for my first kiss.

**68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?**

I am afraid I don't understand.

**69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?**

There is much I don't understand, we only have a local general store for goods.

**70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?**

I am looking forward to a wedding band.

* * *

><p>"Ta ma duh! It has to be her. Don't tell no one about this, I'll let Zoë in on what's going on, and you set up a date with her."<p>

"Mal I ain't the kind of crazy to borrow that kind of trouble."

"Don't worry, I just want to have a visit with my ex-wife. I figure we put a gun to her I might get some answers about just what is wrong with her."

"I don't wanna be the one askin' questions."

"She's already got the questions there, she can take the psyche eval for real."

Beatrice smiled shyly as she opened the door to the temporarily lodgings of the man who had come calling on her. The profile she'd been sent was so perfect, everything she could have wanted. As she stepped into the dark room it took a moment for her eyes to adjust. When they did she turned quickly only for the door to be slammed shut and a gun be pointed in her face.

"Hi honey, your regularly scheduled con job has been canceled," Mal said as he forced her to back up.

"None of this is any of your gorram business!"

"Saffron, honey, how's it to look that my own wife is out looking for other men?" Then with a nod to Jayne, "Check her for weapons."

Jayne moved up behind her and patted her down, pulling out a myriad of concealed weapons. Some from places he probably shouldn't have been checking.

"He lingered," Saffron pouted as Jayne put the garrote he'd found hidden along her bra in a bag with the other weapons.

"Then that's his misfortune. Now, since I finally got you as a nice captive audience, it's time to find out what's so gorram wrong with you."

"What's with this niou-se you ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng? All this just to get to know little ol' me?"

"We were already here, so it weren't no trouble. Now all you got to do is simple. On the table there is the psyche evaluation you took to lure in some hapless person. I want you to answer them honestly. And if I think you're lying… I know some of who's looking for you."

"When you put it like that, I'll take it."

* * *

><p><strong>1. DO YOU SNORE?<strong>

I wouldn't know, I make it a point not to be asleep around others.

**2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?**

Whichever gets me what I want the easiest. However, I'm a good fighter, but a bgreat/b lover.

**3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?**

You'll only get so much honesty from me on this.

**4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?**

Still don't know what the hell that's about.

**5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?**

It's good for a payday if you don't have talent. I've taken a couple of the winners for a ride before.

**6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?**

Only when I need the man to look at my lips. They're so easily manipulated.

**7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?**

I was sexy in the crib, all the little babies gave me their pacifiers.

**8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?**

Overall, but marriages are great for convenience.

**9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?**

I'm using a stylus on a Cortex reader, what kind of moron wrote this fei hua anyway?

**10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?**

I sing wherever it's most conducive to the seduction. Though my humming is more appreciated.

**11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?**

Sometimes it's the only way to get on the balcony when you need to break in.

**12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?**

Far too many to list, and definitely none I intend to share with you.

**13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?**

Whatever that coreward world is with that's mostly beaches and men who know their purpose is to serve you.

**14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY?**

All of that Earth-That-Was go se that can't make me money is pointless.

**15. CAN YOU SWIM?**

You never know when someone might abandon you at sea, it's a good skill to have.

**16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?**

Earth-That-Was fads should have died out by now.

**17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?**

I like to breath, don't I? What morons don't care about it?

**18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP?**

When it comes to licking, I can get it done far faster than anyone else. But it's not the number of licks, it's the skill. It's how you roll your tongue around it. One good long lick is worth any number of small ones.

**19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?**

And how does this even matter?

**20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?**

Durran had one of those antiques restored. How our ancestors managed to survive amazes me.

**21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?**

I will never discuss my family with you.

**22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?**

Styluses stay sharp, they're good for stabbing that way.

**23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?**

Hunting is great, I know I'm always on the prowl.

**24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?**

Depends on what it can get me.

**25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?**

I was well trained in it, I can forge anything.

**26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?**

Browncoats.

**27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?**

Just before stealing the ship that brought me to this world.

**28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?**

I haven't seen him since our honeymoon.

**29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?**

Tears of laughter at yet another sucker.

**30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?**

Earth-That-Was Faberge.

**31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?**

Everyone is dumb, you just have to know how to use them best.

**32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?**

Usually balled up and taped in someone's mouth.

**33. WHAT TIME IS IT?**

Time for me to escape.

**34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?**

I have a list of aliases.

**35. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?**

How that franchise manages to thrive despite Blue Sun amazes even me. Maybe I should marry its owner.

**36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?**

Durran… boys and their toys.

**37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?**

Bathing is best for seduction, showers for cleaning… or when you're past seducing. Bathing is so sensual that even the most jaded can be seduced when bathed by me.

**38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?**

I'm naughty incarnate. How would I know?

**39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?**

Of course, it means my plans are going well.

**40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?**

Not as long the dark isn't me trapped in a gorram garbage bin!

**41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?**

Money and adrenaline.

**42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?**

Creamy, it's more spreadable. I've found men love spreading things.

**43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?**

Of course. I'd be happy to crack yours, just come a little closer.

**44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?**

Oh yes, so sad when you're accompanying your poor husband.

**45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?**

A couple. Can't risk getting lipstick on my teeth, can I?

**46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?**

I'm all for drugs if I'm the one administering them.

**47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?**

Doesn't pay to be out of it.

**48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?**

Whatever is best to entice.

**50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?**

I love my life. It's so much fun, how could I not? And what ever happened to question 49?

**51. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?**

I try to keep distinguishing marks to a minimum.

**52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?**

I wouldn't be stuck here taking this gorram test if I were, would I?

**53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?**

Gorram Earth-That-Was go se.

**54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?**

Oh I'm quite well-versed. Never know when it'll come in handy.

**55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?**

Of course. It's a living though.

**56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?**

I'm quite good at it. Good way to meet rich men on the slopes.

**57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?**

Only when it helps me further my plans.

**58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?**

Never.

**59. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?**

Love is supposed to be magical. To answer your question: No.

**60. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?**

All men are dogs. Men are their own best friends. I've known a few who can lick themselves in fact.

**61. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?**

I believe in being a widow.

**62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?**

I walked on this one to get here.

**63. DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?**

Unfortunately I tend to make a lot around you.

**64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?**

Must be hell has frozen over since you got the drop on me.

**65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?**

Strawberries dipped in chocolate.

**66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?**

Of course. Scratching a man's back with laced nail polish works quite well when they won't kiss you on the lips.

**67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?**

I prefer to do the kissing so I know who's getting drugged.

**68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?**

Aren't they all?

**69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?**

Why shop when you can steal?

**70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?**

There hasn't been anything worthwhile since that gorram Earth-That-Was revival.

* * *

><p>"There, I'm finished," Saffron waved the completed test.<p>

"Jayne, you grab it." Mal motioned with his gun.

"Ruttin' hazard pay needs to count towards her," Jayne muttered. As he reached for the test Saffron grabbed his wrist hard.

"You owe me for the pat down," she hissed as he jerked his hand back and pointed his gun back at her.

"And I'll be making paying you back our top priority," Mal said as he got the test from Jayne and began to read as Jayne rubbed his wrist.

One hand holding the test and the other keeping the gun aimed at Saffron, Mal began to read.

"Mal, I ain't feelin' so good."

"Then sit down, just keep her covered."

Mal read down the list and stopped when he got near the end. "Nail polish?" Of course this was just as the sweating Jayne collapsed forward. Mal moved to him quickly but was stopped short as Saffron's foot connected with his head and his world went black.

The first thing Mal recognized when he woke up was Zoe's voice saying "This is unexpected."

The second thing Mal recognized when he woke up was that he was tied up.

The third thing Mal recognized when he woke up was that he was naked.

The fourth thing Mal recognized when he woke up was that he was pressed against someone.

The fifth thing Mal recognized was that it would take a great deal of begging, bribes and threats to keep Zoe from ever mentioning that she found him naked and tied to an equally naked Jayne.

"Oh Mal."

Gorram it all. How was he supposed to keep Inara quiet too?


End file.
